Alex stared out a big east window of the Trinity
Community Recreation Centre. The clouds were an incredible grey-blue and Alex
imagined that they were a school of enormous fish crammed gill to gill and
passing over some sunken, post-apocalypse Toronto or a tiny model of this city
as it is today sinking slowly past the thin layer of ocean through which the
sun’s light remains visible. One of the men playing ping-pong behind Alex
roared as the ball bounced off the wall behind the man and took shorter and shorter
hops back to where he stood waiting for it. Another bolt of bright blue
electricity found its jagged way to the tip of the CN Tower. Standing nearby,
dripping, was a short, thick guy wearing a T-shirt with fluffy white emoji
clouds spitting yellow, stylized lightning bolts. In his right hand he had
small bag of dog shit and a thin black leash roping him to a shivering Italian
greyhound frantically lifting one tiny foot then another in some sort of
spastic panic dance. The dog nearly fell over when the thunder banged and
rumbled through the community centre.
Alex sat down on a bench and pulled a cell phone
from a back pocket, ran a hand through drying, bleached then dyed grey hair.
No texts from River.
Under the tree where River and Alex were supposed
to be meeting, under the tree where Alex and River first kissed publicly,
proudly, under that tree right then in the pouring rain and thundering
electrical storm a sloppy cis couple staggered and swayed and swigged from the
same can of beer, first him, then her, she chucking the can into the wet grass,
then each of them clawing at each other’s asses and necks and pressing
rain-soaked bodies and mouths together, she nibbling on an ear and running her
hand through his soaking hair.
Alex looked at the tiny screen of the cell phone,
unlocked it and typed to River, “Is everything ok?” because Alex had already
asked, “Where are you?” twice. Alex feared that River was moving on, that
River’s name might be a metaphor, River might have chosen the name as fucking metaphor.
I am a river. I am river, quintessentially.
Isn’t there enough movement in our lives? Alex
asked once after Alex and River had fucked for, like, only the second time in
Alex’s bedroom, for only the second time with Alex’s face pressed into the pillow
and River with their new cock stretching—transforming—Alex’s anus for only the
second time, and River had seemed bored, had said, when confronted, I’m just
turned on by new things.
New name. Shifting identity. An arsenal of dicks,
most of them good enough, each one fine with Alex—though River always carried
more than one, sometimes three or four in a dirty, light-blue JanSport—but not
one dick so much the same as another to sate River’s need for something else,
for choice, for movement.
Alex had had enough of change.
Alex kept binders and sports bras after the point
that they smelled too much, to the point they were torn and ineffective.
Alex still lived at home with parents who used old
gender pronouns because so much of Alex’s odyssey required maintaining balance
on the tossing deck of their gender identity, required sailing from port to
port as Alex tried to get home and Alex was looking for shipmates. For real,
Alex’s parents were a crusty crew, but they were reliable, had been sailing
with Alex from the outset, and there really was no one who could replace them,
no matter that they didn’t respect the captain’s authority. The captain’s
navigational decisions. The captain’s complex self.
So Alex lived a lie with them and River liked the
lie to a point—having to use Alex’s old pronouns, fake at being cis, or sort of
cis—because it was a shift. But River wanted to shake Alex’s parents up, too,
and would speak too loud about Alex’s “real” or “true” self or sometimes
“selves” in Alex’s—Alex’s parents’—basement rec room, which still housed
Barbies, a coral castle, a neon Corvette with the streaks of black paint over
the pink on the trunk—little Alex had only gotten that far when Alex’s mother
had caught Alex and cried and cried and cried.
River didn’t understand because River’s parents
had fully embraced their son when that’s what River wanted to be, had given him
money for binders and cocks, had bought him the butchest jeans and an array of
plaid shirts and toasted their new son with the new name. Alex thought the
acceptance had been all too much for River, so he had to move on, had to ditch
the simple, new pronoun and become gender-fluid to push those accepting, lovely
parents to their breaking point because all the other people in River’s support
group were suffering, had parents way less cool and open and further along, so
River, Alex thought, was exploring the borders of what River’s parents could
understand and accept. Alex knew that this was an ungenerous and, well, phobic
perspective, knew it even before Alex shared the idea, tried to cut River with
it, probably, as they lay in the dirt in the woods in High Park after Alex had
disappointed—upset—River by saying no to River cracking one of those cocks out
of that dirty JanSport and fucking Alex in the swaying, diffuse discs of summer
sun the canopy couldn’t catch. River had a different reading about change and
about constant revolution and about the culture’s and the individual’s
inability to think past language and popular paradigms and River sounded smart,
which was hot and Alex felt chastened—schooled—and angry because of the shame
Alex felt River wanted Alex to feel.
But also turned on.
Until River tried to eat Alex out. Actually, Alex
nearly let River do it—despite the fact that Alex’s body would menstruate
soon—but Alex didn’t let River do it because no matter how dirty River talked,
no matter how into it River said they were, no matter how into it Alex thought
they might be, Alex still wasn’t comfortable with their pussy.
Then River told Alex that the boundaries Alex drew
around Alex’s queerness were the wrong boundaries, that maybe Alex was simply F
to M and not non-binary enough or genderqueer enough or “whatever you are
saying that you are this week,” enough.
Alex walked northeast alone, trying and get out of
High Park as quick as possible. Later, once they’d made up and River had leaned
Alex over the counter in the Alex’s parents en suite bathroom and fucked Alex’s
ass, River said that they took their JanSport down to the lake and even walked around
for a while looking for someone to eat out, but that no one looked half as good
to them as Alex, except one hot femme with Serena Williams thighs.
The cis couple was rolling around in the wet grass
now and Alex was feeling so dejected and abandoned and misunderstood that they
cursed the stubborn persistent shape of the tree, the unlikelihood of lighting
crackling down and splitting that old oak—or was it maple?—so one of the
massive branches would drop and press the cis couple into each other in one
pulpy, boneless mess. As if responding to Alex’s fantasy, lightning sounded and
burst into some building nearer than the CN Tower, but unseen over Alex’s
horizon.
Alex’s phone buzzed.
Alex moved so fast that the nervous Italian
Greyhound crashed into her owner’s ankles and he said some name—it sounded like
Casey—cursing the nervous dog. Alex smiled to themself.
Sorry, the text read, I couldn’t find my phone.
Just leaving now. Should we forget it?
Alex looked out at the guy and girl under the
tree, muddy now and covered in grass bits, but the guy’s hand between their
bodies, the girl’s legs cocked up. Was she biting his shoulder?
No. Come, Alex texted.
Alex looked up and the guy with the dog was
watching them. He smiled. It was gentle, inviting. Alex smiled back. Nodded.
Turned back to the phone.
Bring your bag of dicks, Alex wrote. It was a
question, almost. Are we going to fuck? Are we breaking up? Alex texted a
question mark and waited, listening to the monotonous, conflicting rhythms of
the multiple ping-pong games, drifting into memories of playing ping-pong at
Alex’s grandparents house with Alex’s aunt and mother, remembering the joy of
playing, remembering Mom’s skill, thinking about the hours Alex spent playing
with Mom and the hours Alex’s mother and aunt must have played as children,
considering the simplicity of the game and limited variability, considering how
peaceful and safe and pleasing the repetition was.
The phone buzzed.
River had texted, Always, with an emoji of a hand,
index finger pointing to the left.
The couple under the tree were sitting up now,
soaking wet, the girl laughing, the guy laughing with her. The girl reached
into her backpack and pulled out two tall cans. She handed one to the guy and
they toasted each other or the rain or orgasm and they laughed again.
Alex wondered how many people were watching or had
watched this couple make out, how many people had not said anything about it
because it was two straight people having sex in a park.
All at once, Alex understood something. Alex
wanted to use—thought that probably River would be thrilled to let Alex to
use—one of River’s cocks to fuck River however and wherever River wanted to be
fucked. Like, wherever as in anywhere location-wise and body-wise. Even from
behind under the tree, even if it meant being seen and being seen as deviant,
monstrous, some violation. Even if it meant being arrested by cops who could
probably beat a couple of queer kids with total impunity.
No, Alex thought. No. I am not that tough or
radical or whatever.
Alex wondered, even, if they would have the
courage to tell River what they had fantasized about, that they wanted to wear
one of the cocks.
Alex looked at the phone. Would texting it be the
way? Type it now while Alex maybe had the courage instead of letting the
thought, the hope, get swallowed up by the army of butterflies that gathered in
Alex’s guts when River was around in body or in thought?
Alex ran their hand through their hair and looked
out at the rain and waited for the next burst of lightning.
Toronto, ON-Duncan, BC,
July 2016
Emoji sequence: Sammie Urquhart
Story: Lee Sheppard
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